||1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized
that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's
birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the
negligee I'm afraid he won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive
the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!
3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and
instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to
this day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY
FAMILY, WITH A..."
4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There
is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!
5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now:
I know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my
father. You have elected the son of the mailman!
7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is
my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please
forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly
done such a thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those
less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames
for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my
little corners when they're talking about laws and junk.
8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?
9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my
high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never
finished - Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!
10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to -
Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is
illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned
in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico
Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW
stones at people? ...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to
Afghanistan without me, I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of
marijuana in America! Ta ta!