||RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES
What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
One Life To Shiv!
Yo Martha Stewart so stooopid… she willingly engaged in shameful acts of insider trading, effectively stealing from the backs of other investors not privy to vital, secret company information, and now she’s shaking in her apron, setting sail on the paddle-deficient USS Frigid Crook that’s slowly winding up the fabled fecal syrup creek.
What do you get when you cross Martha Stewart with an octopus?
A gourmet crook with eight tentacles and a hoity-toity TV show and instead of a mouth, a beak that shoots a camouflaging mist of merlot.
How many Martha Stewarts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! You can’t get at the lights; they’re all bolted to the ceilings in Cell Block C!
Three hot dogs are sizzling on a grill.
One hot dog screams, “YEEE-ARRGH!”
The hot dog next to him screams, “OH MY GOD, HOT DOGS CAN TALK!”
And the other hot dog screams, “YES! AND CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY ARRESTED THE WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL MARTHA STEWART? I MEAN, SHE BRAISES A MEAN RABBIT WITH BABY CARROTS, LEEKS AND BURGUNDY, BUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING WITH IMCLONE WAS WHACK.”
Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.
Martha Stewart who?
Martha Stewart if you let me hide in your basement under a mattress for six months, I’ll cook you butternut squash soufflés, knit you tasteful duvets out of silk, and make you soothing homemade bath salts. Hurry up, the fuzz is almost up my ass.
Martha Stewart and a blonde with ADD are having a conversation.
Martha Stewart goes, “You’re an uncouth, frivolous, uncultured, tasteless and stupid woman. I loathe my proximity to your noxiously ordinary self.”
And then the blonde with ADD goes, “I like green! What’s your favorite shape? Pony?”
A father and son are out hunting ducks.
“Father?” asks the son, “Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a goose.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a crow.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s just Martha Stewart wearing a duck hat.”
What’s yellow, crusty, fluffy, pastel, and has tasteful trim?
The mouthful of crème brulee Martha Stewart spat out on her accent pillow when she SEC showed up at her door.
Martha Stewart Living Fall Lifestyle Tips:
* Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
* Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal--like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
* Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or “catsup.” Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it’s almost a vegetable.
* Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
* Your submissive cell mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or vanilla will scent the sock you stuff in your bitch’s mouth before dolling out sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy... it’s a good thang.
* Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prisonyard sun.
* Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.