Bottom 50 Celebrity Sandwiches

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted English muffin
The Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita
The Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce
The Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines
The Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce
The Dan Quayle: Mongoloid cutlet on potatoe bread
The Homeless Dude: Half a Chicken McNugget and a shoe full of Wendy's chili served between a Big Mac bun and a chicken bone
The Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel
The Martha Stewart: Rosemary-marinated boar's anus, charbroiled to perfection, on homemade nine-grain peasant waffles
The Barbara Walters: Sun-dried pheasant jerky and Revlon sauce on sourdough flatbread
The O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove
The Bette Midler: Wind beneath my roadkill wings, on a toasted saccharine challah
The Mullah Omar: Mayonnaise-based gravel salad served between two semi-decayed camel hooves
The Dan Rather: Sumptuous Geritol cutlets, slathered in tangy liberal mustard and wedged between two crusty slices of Alzheimer's baguette
The Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast
The Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake
The Sally Struthers: Bison tartare on a glazed donut
The Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread
The Charleton Heston: Venison burger on white bread with Moses sauce and side of buckshot
The Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns
The Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish
The George Hamilton: Seared Naugahyde on toasted pumpernickel with a cocoa butter coulis
The John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich
The Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust
The Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread
The Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast
The Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices
The Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns
John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun
The Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns
The Elizabeth Taylor: Open-faced mink filet on sponge cake, smothered in cubic zirconium béarnaise
The Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant
The Vanna White: Whipped toothpaste and vanilla-flavored lard, gently ensconced in a delicate crepe
The Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll
The Robert Downey, Jr.: Marinated psylocibin mushrooms and methadone cheese on Spoon-cooked flatbread
The Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell
The Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita
The Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills
The Alec Baldwin: Asshole ham, asshole cheese, asshole lettuce on an asshole piece of bread
The Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia
The Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes
The Frank Sinatra: Pureed martini olives on communion wafers, garnished with bloody Chicklets
The Jeff Bezos: A piece of moldy lettuce wrapped in a fancy advertisement for a delicious, juicy corn beef sandwich
The Wolfgang Puck: Sliced Spam and Velveeta, smothered with Miracle Whip and nestled between two freshly toasted Berry-Berry Pop-Tarts
The George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla
The George Clooney: Beaver on rye
The Kate Moss: Cottage cheese and ipecac syrup on rice paper
The Bea Arthur: Potted meat and mint jelly on Matzo bread
The J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs)

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