The Deer Hunt

1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.

2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper. 3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods. 3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight. 4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent. 4:30 A.M. Head into woods. 6:05 A.M. See eight deer. 6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 A.M. “CLICK” 6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 A.M. Head back to camp. 9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp. 10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is. NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries. 12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back. 12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp. 3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again. 5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire. 6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck. 6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 P.M. Fall into fire. 6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block. 6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim. 6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants. 6:39 P.M. Climb tree. 9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree. MIDNIGHT Home at last. Sunday Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.

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